All My Friends Have Settled Down

Dear Richard

I’m the last one of nearly all my friends to settle down. As a result, most friends are in the baby/toddler/teenager stage. Which is great, I’m really happy for all of them.

BUT . . . you knew this was coming. When my friends were all falling into great partnerships, I got to share their stories and excitement. Now? Everyone is too busy for me. I get it — as much as I can from the outside — that kids take tons of energy. I know this in my head. But there’s a huge part of me that is just GAH!

Do I address this with them? Or just let it go? It feels petty but at the same time, I’d like it if someone would return my call so I can share a sweet story!

 Please Help!

 Lois

Dear Lois,

Here’s a way to get your friends to listen to your sweet story.  Invite one of your friends over with kids.  Spend the weekend before learning how to make an authentic Indian dish.  Then spend a good 10-14 hours on the dish, preferably Chicken Tikka Massala. 

(I had this one in Bangladesh while I was trying to break a twenty to pay for a tranny hooker.  It was delicious.)

Once you and your guests have settled down to enjoy your sumptuous meal, lay the news on them that you are moving away forever.  When they ask to know why, tell them you have a sweet story you wish to share first.  It’s the perfect opportunity to get your sweet story out there.  Good luck!

-Snarfin

Do I Have AIDS?

XXbryk$burlsque@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Hey Richard,

I bought a typewriter at your rummage sale last week and I think it gave me AIDS.  Could that be true?

Concerned, 

Monica B

Hello Monica,

Yes. 

-Snarfin

Is My Sister Taking Me For Granted?

smileycute&88@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com 

Hello Richard,

A couple of years ago, when my two nieces married, I organized my two sons and flew cross-country to attend their weddings.

This year, my son is getting married, and my sister is blowing it off. She said she’s too busy with her job as a teacher, but I note they’ve taken mid-year golf vacations.

I am considering phoning her to say it’s a family duty, but my son’s fiance said if they aren’t enthusiastic, then she doesn’t want them at the wedding anyway.

Should I guilt my sister into coming or realize that our family isn’t as tight as I once thought?

Gratefully Yours,

Susan

Hi Susan,

First of all, good job on producing two sons.  I tried to have sons and only ended up with daughters I had to disown.  Weddings are tricky.  

I say organize your own wedding, book a venue, and then invite everyone you know but your sister.  When everyone is having fun dancing to the band you paid for, eating the appetizers you had catered, your sister finally will understand the true meaning of the word: revenge.

-Snarfin

Should I Become a Monk?

peterg#who@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com 

Hello Richard,

I am tired of Modern Day society with all of its rules, cynicism, fast food-culture and celebrity adoration.  

Should I just join an ashram and become a monk?

Sincerely,

Pete

Hello Pete,

If you can still have sex with girls in the Ashram I say do it.  

Knowing from personal experience from being in jail for tax evasion it’s really important to have frequent sex with girls who are alive. 

Also, if they make you shave your head to join their cult, just say no.  Hair is super important.  Almost as important as having sex with living girls.

-Snarfin

What should I watch on TV?

Hello Richard,

First of all, thanks for all the great advice over the years.  Your suggestions on how to bring back to life my cockerspaniel didn’t work but I appreciate you trying when no one else would.  Here is my question: all of my friends tell me I should watch “Game of Thrones” but I just don’t want to have to get into another show.  Should I do it?

-Ralph

Ralph,

I don’t know what “Game of Thrones” is but I think I found a way to bring your dead dog back to life.  Direct-Tweet me your phone number and I will call you back from a pay phone.

-Snarfin