Why Does My Cat Lick Me?

Query: Why does my cat lick me?

Answer: Sometimes it's for the salt on you skin, but most often it's a sign that they have accepted you as part of their family, the same way they wash each other.

From: http://74.125.93.132/search?q=cache:D1TvEZ2ACg0J:home.att.net/~kathfreeman/faqs.html+why+does+my+cat+lick+me&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

Why Does My Belly Button Smell?

Query: Why does my belly button smell?

Answer: "It's because your belly button is warm and moist because it never gets fresh air ( if you have an inner, which I do ) and that is the ideal home for bacteria, so what you smell is the odor of the waste that the bacteria gives off after eating the sweat... It's very similar to your armpits or when you sweat and don't take a shower."

From: http://www.blurtit.com/q289878.html

You're Welcome, America

I've been so busy these days with electric shock treatments and lobotomies that I often don't have time to individually address every query that comes through my inbox.

I still want to give something back to humanity though, so I decided that I would do the next best thing. I am going to offer you answers to your Google searches. That's right, jerkface!

Each day I am going to pick the most interesting query I can and offer you the answer based on the internet's response. Check it out below!

Career Planning Advice

Amysometime@jfkschool.edu to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Dick Snarfin,
I am a high school counselor. Part of my job is recommending careers for graduating seniors.

With the job market in the trash can, it's hard for me to be optimistic about a lot of these kids' chances. Should I be honest? What should I tell them?


Here's what I would say to those idealistic young students if I were you. Why not join the military?

It's fun. You get to meet a lot of interesting people and handle dangerous weapons.

It pays great and there is no downside. Problem solved.
---Colonel Snarfin

The Snarfin Blog Just Got Better!

Gentle Readers,
I get so many emails that have nothing to do with friendship. Some of them are just angry people looking to vent by comparing me to Hitler. (Those hurt, guys!)

Many other emails come from people concerned with making my penis bigger. (Thanks! I am looking into it.)

But some of the emails I get contain guidance questions that don't relate to my specialty: friendship.

As part of my effort to be a complete guide and life therapist I have started answering queries that deal with issues besides Friendship. Get ready for the first of many more exciting and instructive blog updates to come.
---Snarfin

Cautious Friend

EasyBearsupplies_forUxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

I met this fab chick at my friend’s BBQ last Monday watching football. I think she’s under the impression I’m a huge sports aficionado like the rest of my buds. The truth is, I hate all sports, but I’m afraid if I tell her she won’t give me the time of day.

What kind of MAN are you? Never use the word “Fab” or “Bud”. Now for the advise: Go read the sports page and get a little testosterone flowing through those veins.
---Snarfin

Camera-Shy Friend

wingedbrainxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
My friend always takes his video camera with us wherever we go. He films everything we do and even interviews me. I don't like being on camera and I feel like his video-taping is invasive. Am I in the wrong here?


No. Sure, being on camera can be fun. I had a great time when I was on "Cops" but that's because I like the public forum. It's different with private individuals.

If being video-taped bugs you so much, do this, next time he asks for an interview, invite him to meet you somewhere dodgy like the dog pound or an ethnic hair salon but don't go.

When you never show up he'll understand immediately how his voyeuristic tendencies are ruining your friendship.
---Snarfin

Space Case Friend

willywhiskersxx@aol.com to Advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I don't consider myself a "people person." I have never been able to make close personal friendships with humans. My best friends are all animals. I have four cats: Whiskers, Jemini, Milk Shake and Barney.

Sometimes I honestly don't know which of my cats is my best friend. They all have good qualities. Like for instance Milk Shake is a superb cuddler but Whiskers is a good listener. I don't want any of my cats to feel like I am being preferential.

How can I possibly decide which of my cats is my best friend when it varies so much all the time?



Yeah. You're weird.
---Snarfin

Trick or Treat Friend

timmytw7xxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,
This is Timmy. I'm 11 years old. I want to go trick or treating on Halloween but my friends says it's for babies. Is Halloween for babies?

Nothing belongs to babies except scorn and derision. Halloween belongs to everyone. If your friends don't want to go with you, I say forget them.

If you're white and you want to be Barack Obama this year buy some black shoe polish and get to it. If you're black and you want to be Hillary Clinton take some ugly pills and learn to hate men.

Either way, Timmy, don't forget that the magic of Halloween belongs to every creature and since you will be trick-or-treating alone (as I always was) all the candy you acquire will be yours solely and you won't have to share it with anyone.
----Snarfin

(Dis)Loyal Friend?

ebellisxxxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dr. Snarfin,
I have lots of people I consider close friends but is there any way I can tell for sure if my friend is really loyal?



Yes! Here is the loyalty test I use. I call my buddy (Let's call him Lorenzo because it's P.C. even though honestly I have no Mexican friends) up in the middle of the night.

"Hola, Lorenzo," I say. "I accidentally killed my girlfriend by driving my car into the river. I got out alive because I am a good swimmer but she drowned. I don't think they can prosecute me if we move the body. Can you come dive in the river with me right now to find my girlfriend's body so we can bury it in a hidden cave?"

If Lorenzo immediately say yes to my plan I know I have a true bud for life. If Lorenzo questions any part of this scenario or is not on board with the cave-burying I make a note in my diary that reads:
"Lorenzo: Highly Suspect."

Hope that helps!
---Snarfin

Swearing Friend

boxerbrown98xxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
My friends installed a "Swear Jar" and we all have to pay a quarter each time we say a bad word in each others' company.

I think it's a dumb idea to have to pay a quarter each time I say "fuck". What about you?

I agree, it is a dumb idea. My parents had a jar too when I was a kid too except it wasn't for swearing, it was supposed to be for birthday parties and new clothes.

I put a lot of the money I got in there from my meat-packing job when I was a kid but I don't remember ever getting any of those things.
---Snarfin

Vain Friend

Rickisthemanxx@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hi Snarf-man,
My mom always told me not to look at things as "problems" but to instead call them "opportunities." I have a unique opportunity. People always tell me I'm the good-looking one and girls always give me the most attention when I go out with my bros.

My opportunity is that my bros always get jealous of me when chicks like me better. What should I do?
Hey Rick! One day someone is going to take the opportunity to punch you in the face. Then you're going to have a real problem, like habitual blood in your stool.

One more tip. This one's on the house: stop using the word "bro."
---Snarfin

Husband Friend

Sailordie_rogerxx@adelphia.net to advisegi9@gmail.com

I’m trying to rebuild my marriage from the ground up: surprising my wife with a clean house, being less predictable and more adventurous, ie picnics on the beach. I’ve also been communicating more clearly – I’m even comfortable with letting her see me cry. Do you have any other healthy suggestions that might keep that spark alive?


Yes. It’s called “Extenze”.
---Snarfin

Cult Friend

Lexixxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
This is Randy. I think my friend Doug just joined a cult. Here's why: He shaved his head, sold his house and donated all the proceeds to some secret organization that he won't tell me the name of.

He keeps babbling on and on about "The Bloody Second Coming of the Nephilim" and always tries to get me to go these weird meetings in the woods with him. What do you think?

Dear Snakebite,
(Snakebite is the nickname I thought of for you. Just go with it.) Your friend isn't in a cult. Cults don't exist anymore. I am not sure if they ever did.

The best thing for you to do is to ignore Doug's desperate efforts to get attention. Go to the woods with him and check out the meetings. You'll probably meet some cool people there with interesting things to talk about.
---Snarfin

Halo-Party Friend

Mattorglossy1xx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Happy-Halo Snarfin,
I run a paint store called ‘Matt or Glossy’ lol… Anyway, to have fun at work, I suggested we all dress up for Halloween. Ever counseled a company before, you know, to help improve employer relations? Would love to discover new techniques to make my business one big, happy family. thx Matt.

Have you been sniffing too much paint? Never let your employees dress up. They could rob you.

You want to discover new techniques to bring your staff closer?

Bring a bottle of Popov and play Pin the Tail on the Donkey in the dark. Replace the “donkey” with your least favorite employee and replace the thumbtack with a knife. Nothing builds trust faster.
---Snarfin

Pen Pal Friend

Zackattackxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Hi Doc Snarfin,
I am a fifth grader named Zack. My teacher just assigned us pen pals. Mine's name is Gimbya and he lives in Nigeria. What kinds of things should I ask my new pen pal to make him my friend?

Hey Zack,
I never had a pen pal but I can pretty much guess how it works.

I'd say ask the usual kinds of important questions you ask anyone when trying to figure out if you want to be their friend: ask Gimbya how much money his parents make, where he summers, if he is straight, if so, how hot is his girlfriend?

You could also ask him to send pictures of his girlfriend if you think he is lying about her being hot.
---Snarfin

Ranch Dilemma Friend

Doogle_Ranchxxxx@aol.com to Advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarifn,
I’m writing to you because I have a dilemma. It’s my son’s 10th Birthday and I promised to rent him horses for his party. It’s a family tradition I don’t want to break. My parents did it for me. Caleb and his friends will have a blast, I know it! But, my husband thinks it’s too expensive and too dangerous. What should I do? I don’t want to ruin my son’s special day?

Let’s talk family tradition. You ever hear the expression “Father knows best?" That was the motto in my family and I have the permanent welt marks to prove it.

You want to keep everyone happy? One word: Donkey.

It’s a more exotic animal, who’s less intelligent and more compliant. One advantage is that they’re easier to clean up after. Kids love’em!
---Snarfin

Nerdy Friend

wookiebobafettxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Richard Snarfin,
My friend Robbie is always borrowing things like my flash drives, my printer cartridges and my USB cables. It really bugs me but I don't want to hurt his feelings if I tell him he needs to start asking to borrow my stuff. How do I talk to my friend Rib without hurting his feelings?

Does it hurt your feelings when I tell you that you are a nerd? Cause you are. You should be less worried about your nerd accoutrements being borrowed and more concerned that you own things like USB cables and flash drives.

Go to a discotheque and find a girl that's not ugly. That will solve most of your problems.
---Snarfin

Fixer-upper Friend

Firecracker42@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfen,
Iv'e been going to my local mechanic for years, but lately every times I bring in my Eagle Station Wagon to get something fixed, a new problems arises. I feel like Im throwing my money away. I don’t wanna go behind Mr. Ponchs’ back and go some where else but I need my vehicle for work. What to do?
Problem #1: You own an Eagle Station Wagon.
Problem #2: If your car runs as bad as your grammar, start walking to work.
Problem #3: The economy's bad. Stick it out with Mr. Ponch, he needs your money.
Problem #4: Did I mention you own an Eagle Station Wagon.
---Snarfin

Writer Friend

Mobydickluvrxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Advise Gi,
I’ve been working on a bind-blowing concept: turn popular films into books. They always turn books into movie, why not the other way around? What do you think? My dad says the idea stinks. Thought I’d write and get some professional advise.

If you own a sharp knife, use it on your father. He’s killing your dream, and it’s a good one. Here are some great film titles that would make fantastic books:

1) One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
2) The Color Purple
3) The Shawshank Redemption
4) 2001: A Space Odyssey
5) The Godfather (but this one might take too long. The film is over 2 hours.)

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.
---Snarfin

Blog Friend

peteisitxxxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Mr. Snarfin,
I love your blog. It is awesome! You're such a helpful guy with great advice to share. I think I am going to start up my own blog. Got any advice?
---Pete


Sure do, Pete! Here it is: Drop dead.
Snarfin shares the spotlight with no one.
---Snarfin

Sued Friend

mynameisbeth76xxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfen,
This is Beth. My friend is suing me!!! And just because I didn't pay the last month's rent. I have a reason! I lost my job and had to move out.

What kind of friend sues her friend? Tell me.


First off, Jan, don't worry! I, myself have been sued 47 times.

Here's how you deal with it. First off, don't let anybody subpoena you. If they can't find you, you're innocent.

But if they do find you, don't show up to court. Listen, there's no law that says you have to appear in court.

Lastly, if you do go to court, bring in your own expert witnesses. I like to use the Mexicans I meet at the Office Depot off the freeway. They're generally pretty willing to offer their time for a little extra money.
---Snarfin

Olympic Friend

SallyCaruthers8xxxx@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
This is soooo crazy! My friend Chuck lives in Chi-Town but my in-laws are from Rio. I'm so exicited and I want to be happy for my relatives cause they just got the Olympics but I don't want to upset Chuck because Chicago didn't get it. What do I do?


Dear Idiot,
Here is a fact you may not have considered when sending me your insipid question: one day everyone you know and love will be dead.
---Snarfin

Ticket Giving Friend

CrestfieldJohnxxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfin,
I’ve recently decided to retire from my position as a “Parking Enforcement Officer” for the city of Santa Monica after 36 years. My wife is thrilled! I had to prolong retirement 2 ½ years to battle Diabetes. Needless to say, it’s hasn’t been easy. What’s your best advice for enjoying what they call ‘The Golden Years’?
By “Parking Enforcement Officer” do you mean “METER MAID”? If so, I’m confident there’s a special place for you reserved in Hell.
---Snarfin

Star Trek Friend

Troubletribble6xxxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
So Richard, my friend and I have a query for you. He likes Star Trek The Next Generation whereas I like the old Star Trek. We can never agree on which one is better. Can you weigh in?

Definitely! I would say the first 3 movies were the best of the bunch: episodes 4,5,6. I wasn’t a big fan of the Phantom Menace or the Clone Wars.

Plus, since I am a huge Carrie Fisher aficionado I was disappointed to see she was left out of all the prequels.
----Jedi Snarfin

Smoking Friend

visitmontrealxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

I share an apartment with a good friend who happens to be a smoker. He stinks up the place and it bothers me. He knows this, but doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. What should I do about it? How do I tell him without sounding overbearing?

You’re not going to sound “overbearing,” you’re going to sound “annoying.” If you want to preserve the friendship try and relax, and maybe share one with him. It’s never too late to start.
---Snarfin

Son Vs. Senior Friend

oceanfrontloverxx@aol.com to Advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfin,
My father recently suffered a mild heart attack and it’s become difficult for him to get around. Now that I’m his Caretaker, I’m looking for a way to balance my active lifestyle with his.

I want my father to feel that I’m still thinking about him. How do I approach discussing this with him?


It’s called a television set. Move your couch in front of it, sit him down, and go about your day.
---Snarfin

Confused Liberal Friend

TracyWasserxxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I am a liberal but all my close friends are Republicans. Lately I don't feel like I can talk to any of them.

They all think the war in Iraq was a good thing and agree with assholes like Glenn Beck and it's just wrong.

What should I do the next time we have a political conversation that leads to a fight?



Dear Tracy,
I am not sure who Glenn Beck is. I don't read the newspaper that often. However, I do know this: I support our troops and I support our country.

If we all give Bush just a little more time he'll find those WMD's and you will see that we did the right thing by invading Iraq. Cut your conservative friends some slack.

If it weren't for the Republicans being so tough we wouldn't have killed Osama Bin Laden and his two sons, would we? Huh? Think about that.
---Snarfin

Clothes-horse Friend

Joed9874xxx@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
My friend Doug always wants to borrow my clothes. I used to say yes at first because I wanted to be a nice guy but he doesn't even ask anymore.

Instead he just takes whatever he wants from my closet. What should I do? I spend a lot of money on my clothes and I don't want him taking them.


Dear Steve or John (I can't remember who you are),
Do what I say in the following order:

1) Procure some liquid LSD (if you don't know where to find it just go to your nearest college campus and ask around, it should be a snap).

2) Apply the LSD to the inside of whatever sweater of yours Doug borrows the most.

After you send Doug on his first LSD trip he'll know not to mess with your clothes.
----Snarfin

Embarrased Friend

Petetheghostxxxx@comcast.net

I think I infected my roommate’s computer with a virus from using it to go online and visit certain “Adult” sites… He’s really a good buddy, I don’t know how to make it up to him.


Rent him a Hooker and call it even.
P.s. Have her break the news.
---Snarfin

In Need of a Friend

Chriskk96xxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dr. Snarfin,
I’m in big trouble. I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant with my kid. She told me she was on the pill and I always wear a condom. How could this happen?

I am only 22. I don’t want to get married, I have my whole life ahead of me and I definitely don’t want to have a baby right now. I’m not ready. What do I do?


Hey Chris,
Sounds like you’re in a real quandary. I wish I could help but I only give friendship advice. Write me back if you’re ever having a problem with your best friend or something.
----Snarfin

Supercilious Friend

Jennymerxxx@cox.net to snarfingi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I love your web site!!! :) I'm a book wormy and I wanna meet new friends who like books just like me. Got some ideas on how to get book wormy friends?


Dear Whoever,
I don’t know what the term “book wormy” means but I don’t like your cocky attitude. You’re certainly not gonna get any new friends by reminding people how brilliant you are.

Here’s a tip, Egghead, try a little humility before you send me a question.
---Snarfin

Imaginary Friend

Esmeraldasmiley1xxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
Sometimes after I put my daughter to bed I hear her talking to her stuffed monkey, Zeke. She makes up vivid stories involving swamps and magic and her other stuffed animal friends: Mr. Donkey and her stuffed banana, Pablo.

I guess I don’t really have a question at this point; I just wanted to relate this information to you.


Thank you for your moving story, Esmeralda. You have brought this old softie to tears. I too, have had my share of stuffed animal friends. All of them were close to me and all of them meant something to me.

Sometimes we all need a friend. I brought my stuffed seal with me to Vietnam.
---Snarfin

Frustrated Friend

fusionhappy@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfin,
My name is Ronnie, I own an El Salvadorian/Chinese fusion restaurant called, “Felipe Chang’s”. My staff is allowed to eat 1 free meal per shift, but they all complain that the food tastes like (and I quote) “Warm garbage.” Instead, they bring in takeout like Subway, Panda Express and McDonald's. Customers see this and it’s bad for business. How should I approach my staff about this?


El Salvador and China: Two places I won’t ever visit and two foods I won’t ever eat, but that said… Invite your staff to a company picnic and accidentally leave the potato salad out in the sun too long.

Accidentally spill some laxative into the punch, and perhaps, fail to check the expiration date on the bologna sandwiches you prepare.

The next day, take the phone off the hook at work and when they don’t show up because they’re sick… Fire them all. No call. No show.

---Snarfin

No One's Friend

KyleHxxxx@hotmail to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I am wildly successful and good-looking. I have a hot girlfriend, an expensive car and a luxury condo with a fixed 30-year mortgage interest rate of 4 percent. I work out every day so my body is toned and defined.

Here is my problem. Sometimes I think I have too many friends because I have to turn down all kinds of social engagements and parties every weekend. You’ve probably never had this question before but how do you determine which friends to keep and which ones to cut?


Dear Kyle,
Go fuck yourself.
---Snarfin

Fanatic Friend

sunnrizexxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
Football season is back and my husband turns into a different person. He eat, breathes, and lives FB. He takes over the living room Sunday and Monday nights and expects me to cook him and his friends dinner. Is this fair?


Not only is it fair, it's expected. I wouldn't stop at dinner. I would learn to bake to so they can enjoy dessert if the game happens to go into overtime.

---(Coach)Snarfin

Shafted Friend

Starrsxxx@roadrunner.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,

My Aunt recently passed away and left everyone in the family something from her Will except me. I'm wondering if it's because I'm adopted. I'm going to see everyone at the funeral and I don't want to seem upset.


You're adopted, so you're not "really" part of the family anyway. Wait for the Eulogy and stick it to her good.
---Snarfin

Disturbed Friend

softballhubbiexxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dr. Snarfin,
My wife and I have recently moved into a new apartment, and we love it, except for our rowdy thug neighbors who party all night, listen to loud rap music and smoke weed cigarettes. I want to remain civil with them. What’s the best approach?

If you can’t beat’em… join’em. Pickup some 50-Cent or Lil Wayne cds, learn the lyrics, and implement the slang into your speech. Make sure you practice in front of the mirror and learn to casually drop the “f-bomb”.

And, if you really want to win over your new friends, I suggest picking them up some malt liquor.

---Snarf’diggity!

Peer Pressure Friends

rudebo98xxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,
I’m in high school. My friends are a little older than me and keep pressuring me to try drugs like pot and ecstasy. I say no but they won’t listen to me. What should I do?



If they’re not charging you for the drugs I don’t understand your problem. My friends used to sell me dime bags for twice as much as they should have cost.
---Snarfin

Work Friends

gabbybabbyxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,
What’s a good way to make new friends at work?



I’m so glad you asked me this question. Here is one foolproof clincher. Buy a CD with the lyrics in the case. Then, in the break room cue up a song from your CD on the company boom box. As your co-workers pass by, ask them to sing along.

If they resist because they don’t know the words, patiently remind them you have the lyrics. In no time you will be bonding with your new chums over some musical ditties.
---Snarfin

Flirtatious Friend

Alexthesharkxxx@spytap.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Rich,
My bff and co-worker just recently broke up with his boyfriend, Rico, and now Rico is calling me to hang out on his yacht, go to pool parties at his house, and pay for dinners at the Golf Club, etc.

I’m straight, but I’m afraid my best friend will think I’m going behind his back. I’m stuck on what to do?


It’s the new millennium and having a gay “sugar daddy” says, “I’m no bigot.” If your best friend was any friend at all, he’d want you to be happy.

You ever hear of the expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff?” Well, here’s a variation on another expression, “You CAN have your cake and eat it too.” Congrats!
---Snarfin

Building a Friend(ship)

Benby3xxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Dr. Snarfin,
This is a professional question. I am an integrative mind/body therapist. I would like to know what techniques you employ to gain a patient’s trust?


Excellent question. I secure my patients’ trust by not falling asleep for at least the first two sessions. After that, all bets are off.
--Snarfin

Conflicted Friend

Biglarryxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey, Snarf
I just started dating a new girl and brought her to my favorite “hole-in-the-wall” restaurant for dinner. They have killer steak and great beer!

I’m there every Friday, but she HATED it. She said it was dirty and the music was too loud. We got in a fight; she left and told me she never wants to go back. What should I do?

Girlfriends come and go.
Good steak is forever.
You have an address for this place?
---Snarfin

Co-Worker Birthday Friend

lewiskyxxxxxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Bill, my co-worker, is turning 60 next week. Do you have any fun birthday ideas you can suggest?

Do a pirate-themed party. Fashion a treasure map and send it to the office. Then, put an inflatable shark and/or crocodile pool float toy in Bill's room.

For the next week grow a beard, sport eye liner and remember to tie a bandana around your head. Last, on Bill's actual birthday deposit a trunk full of precious rubies and jewels in Bill's car with a piece of parchment that reads, "Booty."
---Snarfin

Taste-Averse Friend

carrie2xxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr Snarfin,
I hate going on road trips with my friend, Marta because she makes me endure her awful IPOD library. Marta has awful taste in music. Should I be brutally honest and tell her?

Yes, you should be completely truthful with Marta about her music taste because there's actually only a handful of things in life it's okay to lie about:

1) Where the bodies are buried
2) Why there are bodies buried
3) And why there will continue to be more bodies buried.
---Snarfin

The Un-Friend Friend

suckmycockxxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Snarf-Nuts!
This may sound weird but I hate everyone. I have no friends and I have no desire to get a friend. You say you’re the “Friend King”. What do you have to say to me?


Why not consider a career as a suicide bomber? You’re the perfect candidate. One more thing, I have never called myself the “Friend King” but now I will just to spite you.

---Snarfin The Anointed Friend King

Concerned Friend

AuntyJoJoxxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I’m house sitting my brother’s place all this week while he’s in Montreal. I accidentally killed his bird. I don’t know how to tell him. Should I wait until he gets back?


Lucky for you, birds lack the personality of a dog, the healing power of a cat, and the novelty of a reptile or rodent. Purchase another, or capture one from the park. They all look the same.
---Snarfin

Daddy Issues Friend

teddibear6xxxxxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
All of my friends act like they like me until they meet my dad. He is super rich, has lots of fancy cars and chases women. They always end up liking him more than me. What should I do so that my dad can’t steal all my friends?


What’s your dad’s phone number?
---Snarfin

Nuptial Friend

nancy76xxxxxx@aol.com to advisegi@gmail.com
Hey Mr. Snarfin,
My best girl friend invited me to her wedding in Malibu. I live in Detroit and just got laid off. I really want to come to the wedding but theirs no way I can afford to go now. What should I tell her? We've been best frends for years and Im supposed to be her Maid of Honor.

It's obvious to all my thousands of readers and me that the real reason you don't want to go to this wedding is because you had sex with your best friend's fiance (probably sometime last year).

I find it awfully convenient and so will your girl friend that you just "happened to lose your job" before what should be the happiest day of your friend's life. You’re not fooling anyone.
---Snarfin

Sexually Frustrated Friends

kevxxxx@gmail to com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Rich Snarfin,
Do you think it is possible for a man and a woman to ever be friends without sexual tension destroying the relationship?


Sure do. Here is a great way to nip that frustrating friendship sexual tension in the bud.

Ladies: Be ugly.
Men: Have no earning potential.

There you go. Now you got a platonic friend for life…
---Snarfin

Social Network Friend

johnnxxxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Is there any difference between the friends you make in the real world and the ones you make online through social network sites like Myspace and Facebook?

Is someone less of a friend if you have only known them online? I have about 1000 friends on Facebook. Is that a lot? How many Facebook friends do you have?

Please do not write to me ever again.
---Snarfin