Concerned Friend

AuntyJoJoxxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I’m house sitting my brother’s place all this week while he’s in Montreal. I accidentally killed his bird. I don’t know how to tell him. Should I wait until he gets back?


Lucky for you, birds lack the personality of a dog, the healing power of a cat, and the novelty of a reptile or rodent. Purchase another, or capture one from the park. They all look the same.
---Snarfin

Daddy Issues Friend

teddibear6xxxxxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
All of my friends act like they like me until they meet my dad. He is super rich, has lots of fancy cars and chases women. They always end up liking him more than me. What should I do so that my dad can’t steal all my friends?


What’s your dad’s phone number?
---Snarfin

Nuptial Friend

nancy76xxxxxx@aol.com to advisegi@gmail.com
Hey Mr. Snarfin,
My best girl friend invited me to her wedding in Malibu. I live in Detroit and just got laid off. I really want to come to the wedding but theirs no way I can afford to go now. What should I tell her? We've been best frends for years and Im supposed to be her Maid of Honor.

It's obvious to all my thousands of readers and me that the real reason you don't want to go to this wedding is because you had sex with your best friend's fiance (probably sometime last year).

I find it awfully convenient and so will your girl friend that you just "happened to lose your job" before what should be the happiest day of your friend's life. You’re not fooling anyone.
---Snarfin

Sexually Frustrated Friends

kevxxxx@gmail to com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Rich Snarfin,
Do you think it is possible for a man and a woman to ever be friends without sexual tension destroying the relationship?


Sure do. Here is a great way to nip that frustrating friendship sexual tension in the bud.

Ladies: Be ugly.
Men: Have no earning potential.

There you go. Now you got a platonic friend for life…
---Snarfin

Social Network Friend

johnnxxxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Is there any difference between the friends you make in the real world and the ones you make online through social network sites like Myspace and Facebook?

Is someone less of a friend if you have only known them online? I have about 1000 friends on Facebook. Is that a lot? How many Facebook friends do you have?

Please do not write to me ever again.
---Snarfin

Lesbian Friend

amixxxxx@aol.com to avisegi9@gmail.com
DR Snarfin
I am a girl. My fiend Mary kissed me the other night at the club. I told her that I am not a lesbian and got mad at her. I feel bad for how I acted but also worse because I think I liked it. Am I gay?



Probably.
---Snarfin

Friendless Friend

Dear Richard Snarfin,
I’ve never had a best friend nor even any friends I would consider close ones. I’d like to have more friends. What do you suggest?

Let me tell you a story. When I was a kid my dad worked as waiter on a Pullman dining car. He hated having to be nice to the rude business execs who treated him like crap everyday and he would be very pissed off and drunk when he got home.

Every night he’d make me recite my multiplication tables and if I made one mistake he’d take it out on my best friend, the family dog, by kicking him hard in the hind quarters. When I was 12 that dog disappeared mysteriously. I'm pretty sure it was my dad who mailed me my dog’s bloody leash one year later with a note that read, “12 X 10 does not equal 300.”
---Snarfin

Helpful Friend

CaraKxxxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Richard Snarfin,
Sometimes my friend, Jeff, gives me money for no reason. A lot of money too. He says he dosnt want it back but I feel uncomfortable anyway. Should I ask him to stop?

Why stop now? You’ve already had sex with your friend, Jeff. And it sounds like both of you liked it and you got paid, which is the important thing.

Now, all you gotta remember to do is report this income on your taxes as ‘other’. No use going to jail for hooking.
---Snarfin

Adopted Friend

clxxxxx78@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear R. Snarfin,
I have a friend named Ted. The other night Ted's dad was drunk and told me that Ted is actually adopted but doesn’t know it. Do I have to tell Ted?

Not yet. Hang onto this juicy piece of info like it’s the hydrogen bomb.

One day (and it could be years from now) Ted is gonna slip up and do something dumb like call you a Jive Turkey. As soon as he does, then you can tell him, “Oh by the way, you’re adopted. Have a nice life.”
---Snarfin

Fickle Friend

xxxxxxiam@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfen,
After six years of being my BFF, my best friend told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. She became best friends with our mutual friend for 2 weeks and then came back to me. Should I let her be my best friend again after she ditched me once?

Dear Desperate,
Never forgive. Never forget. Once a person harms me I make a hash mark in my diary. Two harms = two hash marks. Three harms = you’re already dead.
---Snarfin

RIP, Friend

jaimeexxxx to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Richard,
My good friend of over 50 years just died of heart problems. I cherish my friend and want to buy him a nice headstone but his family doesn't want to spend much money on the burial. Is it weird if I ask his family if I can buy the headstone for them?


Dear Freak,
Please stop contacting my family. We don’t need any more headstones.
---Snarfin

Racist Friend

bradleyk67xxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
My best friend of several years is black. I am white and don't have any racial prujuidices whatsoever but some of my other friends do and they say racist things about Ralph behind my back. Should I confront my other friends or just let it go?


Dear Racist,
Who makes more money? Ralph or your other white friends? My money is on your white friends so stick with them. They sound more funny and interesting than Ralph anyway.
---Richard Snarfin