Cautious Friend

EasyBearsupplies_forUxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

I met this fab chick at my friend’s BBQ last Monday watching football. I think she’s under the impression I’m a huge sports aficionado like the rest of my buds. The truth is, I hate all sports, but I’m afraid if I tell her she won’t give me the time of day.

What kind of MAN are you? Never use the word “Fab” or “Bud”. Now for the advise: Go read the sports page and get a little testosterone flowing through those veins.
---Snarfin

Camera-Shy Friend

wingedbrainxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
My friend always takes his video camera with us wherever we go. He films everything we do and even interviews me. I don't like being on camera and I feel like his video-taping is invasive. Am I in the wrong here?


No. Sure, being on camera can be fun. I had a great time when I was on "Cops" but that's because I like the public forum. It's different with private individuals.

If being video-taped bugs you so much, do this, next time he asks for an interview, invite him to meet you somewhere dodgy like the dog pound or an ethnic hair salon but don't go.

When you never show up he'll understand immediately how his voyeuristic tendencies are ruining your friendship.
---Snarfin

Space Case Friend

willywhiskersxx@aol.com to Advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I don't consider myself a "people person." I have never been able to make close personal friendships with humans. My best friends are all animals. I have four cats: Whiskers, Jemini, Milk Shake and Barney.

Sometimes I honestly don't know which of my cats is my best friend. They all have good qualities. Like for instance Milk Shake is a superb cuddler but Whiskers is a good listener. I don't want any of my cats to feel like I am being preferential.

How can I possibly decide which of my cats is my best friend when it varies so much all the time?



Yeah. You're weird.
---Snarfin

Trick or Treat Friend

timmytw7xxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,
This is Timmy. I'm 11 years old. I want to go trick or treating on Halloween but my friends says it's for babies. Is Halloween for babies?

Nothing belongs to babies except scorn and derision. Halloween belongs to everyone. If your friends don't want to go with you, I say forget them.

If you're white and you want to be Barack Obama this year buy some black shoe polish and get to it. If you're black and you want to be Hillary Clinton take some ugly pills and learn to hate men.

Either way, Timmy, don't forget that the magic of Halloween belongs to every creature and since you will be trick-or-treating alone (as I always was) all the candy you acquire will be yours solely and you won't have to share it with anyone.
----Snarfin

(Dis)Loyal Friend?

ebellisxxxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dr. Snarfin,
I have lots of people I consider close friends but is there any way I can tell for sure if my friend is really loyal?



Yes! Here is the loyalty test I use. I call my buddy (Let's call him Lorenzo because it's P.C. even though honestly I have no Mexican friends) up in the middle of the night.

"Hola, Lorenzo," I say. "I accidentally killed my girlfriend by driving my car into the river. I got out alive because I am a good swimmer but she drowned. I don't think they can prosecute me if we move the body. Can you come dive in the river with me right now to find my girlfriend's body so we can bury it in a hidden cave?"

If Lorenzo immediately say yes to my plan I know I have a true bud for life. If Lorenzo questions any part of this scenario or is not on board with the cave-burying I make a note in my diary that reads:
"Lorenzo: Highly Suspect."

Hope that helps!
---Snarfin

Swearing Friend

boxerbrown98xxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
My friends installed a "Swear Jar" and we all have to pay a quarter each time we say a bad word in each others' company.

I think it's a dumb idea to have to pay a quarter each time I say "fuck". What about you?

I agree, it is a dumb idea. My parents had a jar too when I was a kid too except it wasn't for swearing, it was supposed to be for birthday parties and new clothes.

I put a lot of the money I got in there from my meat-packing job when I was a kid but I don't remember ever getting any of those things.
---Snarfin

Vain Friend

Rickisthemanxx@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hi Snarf-man,
My mom always told me not to look at things as "problems" but to instead call them "opportunities." I have a unique opportunity. People always tell me I'm the good-looking one and girls always give me the most attention when I go out with my bros.

My opportunity is that my bros always get jealous of me when chicks like me better. What should I do?
Hey Rick! One day someone is going to take the opportunity to punch you in the face. Then you're going to have a real problem, like habitual blood in your stool.

One more tip. This one's on the house: stop using the word "bro."
---Snarfin

Husband Friend

Sailordie_rogerxx@adelphia.net to advisegi9@gmail.com

I’m trying to rebuild my marriage from the ground up: surprising my wife with a clean house, being less predictable and more adventurous, ie picnics on the beach. I’ve also been communicating more clearly – I’m even comfortable with letting her see me cry. Do you have any other healthy suggestions that might keep that spark alive?


Yes. It’s called “Extenze”.
---Snarfin

Cult Friend

Lexixxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
This is Randy. I think my friend Doug just joined a cult. Here's why: He shaved his head, sold his house and donated all the proceeds to some secret organization that he won't tell me the name of.

He keeps babbling on and on about "The Bloody Second Coming of the Nephilim" and always tries to get me to go these weird meetings in the woods with him. What do you think?

Dear Snakebite,
(Snakebite is the nickname I thought of for you. Just go with it.) Your friend isn't in a cult. Cults don't exist anymore. I am not sure if they ever did.

The best thing for you to do is to ignore Doug's desperate efforts to get attention. Go to the woods with him and check out the meetings. You'll probably meet some cool people there with interesting things to talk about.
---Snarfin

Halo-Party Friend

Mattorglossy1xx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Happy-Halo Snarfin,
I run a paint store called ‘Matt or Glossy’ lol… Anyway, to have fun at work, I suggested we all dress up for Halloween. Ever counseled a company before, you know, to help improve employer relations? Would love to discover new techniques to make my business one big, happy family. thx Matt.

Have you been sniffing too much paint? Never let your employees dress up. They could rob you.

You want to discover new techniques to bring your staff closer?

Bring a bottle of Popov and play Pin the Tail on the Donkey in the dark. Replace the “donkey” with your least favorite employee and replace the thumbtack with a knife. Nothing builds trust faster.
---Snarfin

Pen Pal Friend

Zackattackxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Hi Doc Snarfin,
I am a fifth grader named Zack. My teacher just assigned us pen pals. Mine's name is Gimbya and he lives in Nigeria. What kinds of things should I ask my new pen pal to make him my friend?

Hey Zack,
I never had a pen pal but I can pretty much guess how it works.

I'd say ask the usual kinds of important questions you ask anyone when trying to figure out if you want to be their friend: ask Gimbya how much money his parents make, where he summers, if he is straight, if so, how hot is his girlfriend?

You could also ask him to send pictures of his girlfriend if you think he is lying about her being hot.
---Snarfin

Ranch Dilemma Friend

Doogle_Ranchxxxx@aol.com to Advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarifn,
I’m writing to you because I have a dilemma. It’s my son’s 10th Birthday and I promised to rent him horses for his party. It’s a family tradition I don’t want to break. My parents did it for me. Caleb and his friends will have a blast, I know it! But, my husband thinks it’s too expensive and too dangerous. What should I do? I don’t want to ruin my son’s special day?

Let’s talk family tradition. You ever hear the expression “Father knows best?" That was the motto in my family and I have the permanent welt marks to prove it.

You want to keep everyone happy? One word: Donkey.

It’s a more exotic animal, who’s less intelligent and more compliant. One advantage is that they’re easier to clean up after. Kids love’em!
---Snarfin

Nerdy Friend

wookiebobafettxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Richard Snarfin,
My friend Robbie is always borrowing things like my flash drives, my printer cartridges and my USB cables. It really bugs me but I don't want to hurt his feelings if I tell him he needs to start asking to borrow my stuff. How do I talk to my friend Rib without hurting his feelings?

Does it hurt your feelings when I tell you that you are a nerd? Cause you are. You should be less worried about your nerd accoutrements being borrowed and more concerned that you own things like USB cables and flash drives.

Go to a discotheque and find a girl that's not ugly. That will solve most of your problems.
---Snarfin

Fixer-upper Friend

Firecracker42@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfen,
Iv'e been going to my local mechanic for years, but lately every times I bring in my Eagle Station Wagon to get something fixed, a new problems arises. I feel like Im throwing my money away. I don’t wanna go behind Mr. Ponchs’ back and go some where else but I need my vehicle for work. What to do?
Problem #1: You own an Eagle Station Wagon.
Problem #2: If your car runs as bad as your grammar, start walking to work.
Problem #3: The economy's bad. Stick it out with Mr. Ponch, he needs your money.
Problem #4: Did I mention you own an Eagle Station Wagon.
---Snarfin

Writer Friend

Mobydickluvrxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Advise Gi,
I’ve been working on a bind-blowing concept: turn popular films into books. They always turn books into movie, why not the other way around? What do you think? My dad says the idea stinks. Thought I’d write and get some professional advise.

If you own a sharp knife, use it on your father. He’s killing your dream, and it’s a good one. Here are some great film titles that would make fantastic books:

1) One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
2) The Color Purple
3) The Shawshank Redemption
4) 2001: A Space Odyssey
5) The Godfather (but this one might take too long. The film is over 2 hours.)

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.
---Snarfin

Blog Friend

peteisitxxxxx@comcast.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Mr. Snarfin,
I love your blog. It is awesome! You're such a helpful guy with great advice to share. I think I am going to start up my own blog. Got any advice?
---Pete


Sure do, Pete! Here it is: Drop dead.
Snarfin shares the spotlight with no one.
---Snarfin

Sued Friend

mynameisbeth76xxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfen,
This is Beth. My friend is suing me!!! And just because I didn't pay the last month's rent. I have a reason! I lost my job and had to move out.

What kind of friend sues her friend? Tell me.


First off, Jan, don't worry! I, myself have been sued 47 times.

Here's how you deal with it. First off, don't let anybody subpoena you. If they can't find you, you're innocent.

But if they do find you, don't show up to court. Listen, there's no law that says you have to appear in court.

Lastly, if you do go to court, bring in your own expert witnesses. I like to use the Mexicans I meet at the Office Depot off the freeway. They're generally pretty willing to offer their time for a little extra money.
---Snarfin

Olympic Friend

SallyCaruthers8xxxx@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
This is soooo crazy! My friend Chuck lives in Chi-Town but my in-laws are from Rio. I'm so exicited and I want to be happy for my relatives cause they just got the Olympics but I don't want to upset Chuck because Chicago didn't get it. What do I do?


Dear Idiot,
Here is a fact you may not have considered when sending me your insipid question: one day everyone you know and love will be dead.
---Snarfin

Ticket Giving Friend

CrestfieldJohnxxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfin,
I’ve recently decided to retire from my position as a “Parking Enforcement Officer” for the city of Santa Monica after 36 years. My wife is thrilled! I had to prolong retirement 2 ½ years to battle Diabetes. Needless to say, it’s hasn’t been easy. What’s your best advice for enjoying what they call ‘The Golden Years’?
By “Parking Enforcement Officer” do you mean “METER MAID”? If so, I’m confident there’s a special place for you reserved in Hell.
---Snarfin