Star Trek Friend

Troubletribble6xxxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
So Richard, my friend and I have a query for you. He likes Star Trek The Next Generation whereas I like the old Star Trek. We can never agree on which one is better. Can you weigh in?

Definitely! I would say the first 3 movies were the best of the bunch: episodes 4,5,6. I wasn’t a big fan of the Phantom Menace or the Clone Wars.

Plus, since I am a huge Carrie Fisher aficionado I was disappointed to see she was left out of all the prequels.
----Jedi Snarfin

Smoking Friend

visitmontrealxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

I share an apartment with a good friend who happens to be a smoker. He stinks up the place and it bothers me. He knows this, but doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. What should I do about it? How do I tell him without sounding overbearing?

You’re not going to sound “overbearing,” you’re going to sound “annoying.” If you want to preserve the friendship try and relax, and maybe share one with him. It’s never too late to start.
---Snarfin

Son Vs. Senior Friend

oceanfrontloverxx@aol.com to Advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfin,
My father recently suffered a mild heart attack and it’s become difficult for him to get around. Now that I’m his Caretaker, I’m looking for a way to balance my active lifestyle with his.

I want my father to feel that I’m still thinking about him. How do I approach discussing this with him?


It’s called a television set. Move your couch in front of it, sit him down, and go about your day.
---Snarfin

Confused Liberal Friend

TracyWasserxxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I am a liberal but all my close friends are Republicans. Lately I don't feel like I can talk to any of them.

They all think the war in Iraq was a good thing and agree with assholes like Glenn Beck and it's just wrong.

What should I do the next time we have a political conversation that leads to a fight?



Dear Tracy,
I am not sure who Glenn Beck is. I don't read the newspaper that often. However, I do know this: I support our troops and I support our country.

If we all give Bush just a little more time he'll find those WMD's and you will see that we did the right thing by invading Iraq. Cut your conservative friends some slack.

If it weren't for the Republicans being so tough we wouldn't have killed Osama Bin Laden and his two sons, would we? Huh? Think about that.
---Snarfin

Clothes-horse Friend

Joed9874xxx@cox.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
My friend Doug always wants to borrow my clothes. I used to say yes at first because I wanted to be a nice guy but he doesn't even ask anymore.

Instead he just takes whatever he wants from my closet. What should I do? I spend a lot of money on my clothes and I don't want him taking them.


Dear Steve or John (I can't remember who you are),
Do what I say in the following order:

1) Procure some liquid LSD (if you don't know where to find it just go to your nearest college campus and ask around, it should be a snap).

2) Apply the LSD to the inside of whatever sweater of yours Doug borrows the most.

After you send Doug on his first LSD trip he'll know not to mess with your clothes.
----Snarfin

Embarrased Friend

Petetheghostxxxx@comcast.net

I think I infected my roommate’s computer with a virus from using it to go online and visit certain “Adult” sites… He’s really a good buddy, I don’t know how to make it up to him.


Rent him a Hooker and call it even.
P.s. Have her break the news.
---Snarfin

In Need of a Friend

Chriskk96xxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dr. Snarfin,
I’m in big trouble. I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant with my kid. She told me she was on the pill and I always wear a condom. How could this happen?

I am only 22. I don’t want to get married, I have my whole life ahead of me and I definitely don’t want to have a baby right now. I’m not ready. What do I do?


Hey Chris,
Sounds like you’re in a real quandary. I wish I could help but I only give friendship advice. Write me back if you’re ever having a problem with your best friend or something.
----Snarfin

Supercilious Friend

Jennymerxxx@cox.net to snarfingi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I love your web site!!! :) I'm a book wormy and I wanna meet new friends who like books just like me. Got some ideas on how to get book wormy friends?


Dear Whoever,
I don’t know what the term “book wormy” means but I don’t like your cocky attitude. You’re certainly not gonna get any new friends by reminding people how brilliant you are.

Here’s a tip, Egghead, try a little humility before you send me a question.
---Snarfin

Imaginary Friend

Esmeraldasmiley1xxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
Sometimes after I put my daughter to bed I hear her talking to her stuffed monkey, Zeke. She makes up vivid stories involving swamps and magic and her other stuffed animal friends: Mr. Donkey and her stuffed banana, Pablo.

I guess I don’t really have a question at this point; I just wanted to relate this information to you.


Thank you for your moving story, Esmeralda. You have brought this old softie to tears. I too, have had my share of stuffed animal friends. All of them were close to me and all of them meant something to me.

Sometimes we all need a friend. I brought my stuffed seal with me to Vietnam.
---Snarfin

Frustrated Friend

fusionhappy@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Mr. Snarfin,
My name is Ronnie, I own an El Salvadorian/Chinese fusion restaurant called, “Felipe Chang’s”. My staff is allowed to eat 1 free meal per shift, but they all complain that the food tastes like (and I quote) “Warm garbage.” Instead, they bring in takeout like Subway, Panda Express and McDonald's. Customers see this and it’s bad for business. How should I approach my staff about this?


El Salvador and China: Two places I won’t ever visit and two foods I won’t ever eat, but that said… Invite your staff to a company picnic and accidentally leave the potato salad out in the sun too long.

Accidentally spill some laxative into the punch, and perhaps, fail to check the expiration date on the bologna sandwiches you prepare.

The next day, take the phone off the hook at work and when they don’t show up because they’re sick… Fire them all. No call. No show.

---Snarfin

No One's Friend

KyleHxxxx@hotmail to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Snarfin,
I am wildly successful and good-looking. I have a hot girlfriend, an expensive car and a luxury condo with a fixed 30-year mortgage interest rate of 4 percent. I work out every day so my body is toned and defined.

Here is my problem. Sometimes I think I have too many friends because I have to turn down all kinds of social engagements and parties every weekend. You’ve probably never had this question before but how do you determine which friends to keep and which ones to cut?


Dear Kyle,
Go fuck yourself.
---Snarfin

Fanatic Friend

sunnrizexxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Snarfin,
Football season is back and my husband turns into a different person. He eat, breathes, and lives FB. He takes over the living room Sunday and Monday nights and expects me to cook him and his friends dinner. Is this fair?


Not only is it fair, it's expected. I wouldn't stop at dinner. I would learn to bake to so they can enjoy dessert if the game happens to go into overtime.

---(Coach)Snarfin

Shafted Friend

Starrsxxx@roadrunner.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,

My Aunt recently passed away and left everyone in the family something from her Will except me. I'm wondering if it's because I'm adopted. I'm going to see everyone at the funeral and I don't want to seem upset.


You're adopted, so you're not "really" part of the family anyway. Wait for the Eulogy and stick it to her good.
---Snarfin

Disturbed Friend

softballhubbiexxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com

Dr. Snarfin,
My wife and I have recently moved into a new apartment, and we love it, except for our rowdy thug neighbors who party all night, listen to loud rap music and smoke weed cigarettes. I want to remain civil with them. What’s the best approach?

If you can’t beat’em… join’em. Pickup some 50-Cent or Lil Wayne cds, learn the lyrics, and implement the slang into your speech. Make sure you practice in front of the mirror and learn to casually drop the “f-bomb”.

And, if you really want to win over your new friends, I suggest picking them up some malt liquor.

---Snarf’diggity!

Peer Pressure Friends

rudebo98xxxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,
I’m in high school. My friends are a little older than me and keep pressuring me to try drugs like pot and ecstasy. I say no but they won’t listen to me. What should I do?



If they’re not charging you for the drugs I don’t understand your problem. My friends used to sell me dime bags for twice as much as they should have cost.
---Snarfin

Work Friends

gabbybabbyxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Mr. Snarfin,
What’s a good way to make new friends at work?



I’m so glad you asked me this question. Here is one foolproof clincher. Buy a CD with the lyrics in the case. Then, in the break room cue up a song from your CD on the company boom box. As your co-workers pass by, ask them to sing along.

If they resist because they don’t know the words, patiently remind them you have the lyrics. In no time you will be bonding with your new chums over some musical ditties.
---Snarfin

Flirtatious Friend

Alexthesharkxxx@spytap.net to advisegi9@gmail.com
Rich,
My bff and co-worker just recently broke up with his boyfriend, Rico, and now Rico is calling me to hang out on his yacht, go to pool parties at his house, and pay for dinners at the Golf Club, etc.

I’m straight, but I’m afraid my best friend will think I’m going behind his back. I’m stuck on what to do?


It’s the new millennium and having a gay “sugar daddy” says, “I’m no bigot.” If your best friend was any friend at all, he’d want you to be happy.

You ever hear of the expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff?” Well, here’s a variation on another expression, “You CAN have your cake and eat it too.” Congrats!
---Snarfin

Building a Friend(ship)

Benby3xxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Dr. Snarfin,
This is a professional question. I am an integrative mind/body therapist. I would like to know what techniques you employ to gain a patient’s trust?


Excellent question. I secure my patients’ trust by not falling asleep for at least the first two sessions. After that, all bets are off.
--Snarfin

Conflicted Friend

Biglarryxxx@hotmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey, Snarf
I just started dating a new girl and brought her to my favorite “hole-in-the-wall” restaurant for dinner. They have killer steak and great beer!

I’m there every Friday, but she HATED it. She said it was dirty and the music was too loud. We got in a fight; she left and told me she never wants to go back. What should I do?

Girlfriends come and go.
Good steak is forever.
You have an address for this place?
---Snarfin

Co-Worker Birthday Friend

lewiskyxxxxxxx@yahoo.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Bill, my co-worker, is turning 60 next week. Do you have any fun birthday ideas you can suggest?

Do a pirate-themed party. Fashion a treasure map and send it to the office. Then, put an inflatable shark and/or crocodile pool float toy in Bill's room.

For the next week grow a beard, sport eye liner and remember to tie a bandana around your head. Last, on Bill's actual birthday deposit a trunk full of precious rubies and jewels in Bill's car with a piece of parchment that reads, "Booty."
---Snarfin

Taste-Averse Friend

carrie2xxxx@gmail.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Dear Mr Snarfin,
I hate going on road trips with my friend, Marta because she makes me endure her awful IPOD library. Marta has awful taste in music. Should I be brutally honest and tell her?

Yes, you should be completely truthful with Marta about her music taste because there's actually only a handful of things in life it's okay to lie about:

1) Where the bodies are buried
2) Why there are bodies buried
3) And why there will continue to be more bodies buried.
---Snarfin

The Un-Friend Friend

suckmycockxxxx@aol.com to advisegi9@gmail.com
Hey Snarf-Nuts!
This may sound weird but I hate everyone. I have no friends and I have no desire to get a friend. You say you’re the “Friend King”. What do you have to say to me?


Why not consider a career as a suicide bomber? You’re the perfect candidate. One more thing, I have never called myself the “Friend King” but now I will just to spite you.

---Snarfin The Anointed Friend King